Reflections on MACRODOSING
My first experiences with psilocybin were in my teens. I would eat between 4-9 caps and stems, not weighing anything out. I have fond memories of staring at grass and seeing it grow, euphoria and laugher, making weird and intuitive art, laying in a field and feeling my body was connected to and communicating with trees. There was that one time that I had a “bad trip” due to an emotional situation involving an ex. Oh, and the laser dome Nirvana show that I spent a better part of throwing up.
My partner and I had a trip on our honeymoon, laying on a beach being fascinated by the fire embers. I ate some during the day we went inside of the Devil’s Punchbowl (coastal rock and tide pool area) and fell in love all over again with geology.
I’d never thought of them as anything more than recreational fun.
But then, I found myself at a low point. Covid shutdowns had begun, I was having a terrible situation at work that was unresolved, and overall really questioning my path forward. I was trying to look forward to a weekend camping, aiming to set my stress aside for a weekend. I started eating shrooms in the afternoon and throughout the day and night, just kept eating more.
At first, I had concerns about my partner enjoying his trip, and the sense of worry was messing up my fun time. Eventually, I felt like we were telepathically communicating and I was absorbing his troubles. I laid by the fire, questioning so many things. I was aware of a comfort that came about. A sense that everything would be ok, that I’ve always questioned my path, always had the same types of problems I was facing, that this was nothing new. I felt all my worries start to feel meaningless, my thoughts were so trivial. I felt so small in the universe, but also, so much a part of it. I felt lucky to be able to exist in that moment. Grateful. Afterwards I felt reset, able to continue with a more positive outlook.
Mushrooms have also given me the confidence, courage, and will to continue further down the path of advocating for psychedelics. I was at a point where I felt as nothing was working out, I needed a pivotal change that would benefit myself, and others. I’ve learned it can be incredibly rewarding to feel as if you’re helping others, and gives me a sense of purpose in my life that not many other things do. I’ve spent time volunteering in ways to help end the war on drugs, and look forward to the future of embracing natural medicine.
If I had to speculate or take an educated guess, I think psilocybin works by allowing our brains to move from our defaulted thoughts, and instead be open to other ways of looking at things. The ability to process trauma, accept situations we cannot control, accept the loss of control, and rid ourselves of sometimes untruths we tell ourselves about things, all stand as reasons psychedelic medicine has so much potential to bring wonderful and lasting repair for mental health.